You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize