He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
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can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
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All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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