I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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