my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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