Hey man sorry I got all grabby
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
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