It's like a parade of train wrecks.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
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NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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