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she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
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She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
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I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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