I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
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Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
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Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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