It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
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You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
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Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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