Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
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I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
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I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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