words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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