we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
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I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
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Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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