Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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