just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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