My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize