He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
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I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
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I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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