"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
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The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
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Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
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