Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
