I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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