An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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