i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
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I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think my cat just said my name.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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