The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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