smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize