i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
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I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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