So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize