You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
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I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
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I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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