Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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