I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
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It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
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I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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