I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
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You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
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Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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