saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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