dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
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I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
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I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
sex in a hospital.. check
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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