Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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