the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
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He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
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I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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