i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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