I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
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Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
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Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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