My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
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Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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