i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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