Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
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He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
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He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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