$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
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This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
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No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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