My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
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She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
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Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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