The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
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he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
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They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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