i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
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he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
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I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
i believe in u and ur pee
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