is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
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I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
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My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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