I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
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