The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize