I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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