I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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