What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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