This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
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Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
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I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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