he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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